Melancholy

This last weekend was busy.

Saturday I had breakfast with a friend I hadn't seen for a while.   It was great getting caught up, we were so busy talking we were almost asked to leave Perkins, we had been there awhile and they needed the space!

After breakfast I headed off to the Mall of America (MOA) and briskly walked for 30 minutes. Huge for me since I am not a big exercise person!   I checked out a sale at Lane Bryant and was able to pick up a shirt for a memorial service I needed to attend later that afternoon.

Sunday was okay.  As I was getting into my car I noticed my car had been broken into again.  Last Easter the small triangle window on the rear driver side had been broken out by some lovely delinquent.  Throughout the summer I managed to cover the space where the glass should be with a piece of cardboard and a sufficient amount of packing tape!  I am hoping to get the glass replaced before the snow flies.  Sometime Saturday nite, someone with nothing better to do pushed the cardboard out and opened the doors to rifle through my car.  Though it was Sunday morning & I was going to church I let more than a few choice words spill out.  Not a single one was a Christian word either!

By the time I drove to Church I was in a Christian frame of mind and took solace in the fact that nothing was taken.  

After Church I headed home and spent a quiet day curled up on the couch in my jammies!  I was feeling tired, quiet and a little melancholy.

Backing up a little, I know that my melancholy started on Saturday while I was shopping at MOA & the grocery store.  I was thinking about Aiden (my adorable, 1 month old grandson) & I was trying to get excited about buying things for him for Christmas but I just couldn't get there!  I feel so terrible, like I'm the worst Nana on the planet.  I love Aiden and I want to give him everything I just can't seem to get excited about it.  I'm hoping that as the season draws closer my excitement will grow.

Another part of my melancholy came from the two deaths that have happened within a week of each other.  Two co-workers have lost their mothers suddenly.  The memorial services made me sad & it's not for the reason you would think.  Normally people are sad for the loss of their loved one but I am sad at the thought of not knowing who they really are.

I lost my mother when I was twelve years old.  I didn't really know my mother very well, we were not close.  Of course I was sad at her sudden passing but it was a sadness of not really knowing who she was.   She was a good woman but not one that felt totally comfortable with children.  The same could be said of Dad.  I love my parents because  I should love them, I mean they are my parents right?  I have good memories of them, there are not a lot of them but I do have some.  I don't really know that much about them.

I suppose this is the time to ask "Does anybody really KNOW a person?"  I KNOW my ex-husband, probably a lot better now.  I KNOW my daughter, she is my best friend.  Knowing that about myself makes me feel a little better.  I've tried to get to know my Dad but it's really hard.  I find that it is really one sided, and at this point I just don't think I can try anymore.  Feeling this way brings me back to feeling sad, sad about the lost relationship and sadness for wanting something I'll never get to have.  I'll keep calling my Dad, seeing how he is doing but it's hard to feel close when conversations revolve around the weather & his health issues. I sound like a very selfish daughter but truly I am grateful for those conversations for I know they won't always be possible. 

 

Well I certain didn't mean to be Debbie Downer but I'm sure you can relate to the ebbs & flows of life.  One day it is sunny and the next it's a little cloudy.

Cherish those that are close to you.  If you are not as close as you would like to be then remedy that.  The only time it's too late is when they are lowering the casket.

Keep smiling & remember that God loves you and so do I!

L