Discoveries

In this process of paying more attention to myself I have made some interesting discoveries.

Some of them might make you scratch your head and say “Really?” but remember, this is my process!

Tidiness

Growing up I don’t think I was an overly neat child but I don’t think I had heaps of clutter you had to wade through.  During my marriage I tried to keep things neat but inevitably there were stacks of papers laying around, it didn’t bother me too much because I was busy with Sara.

Now, I strive to have things in there place, don’t get me wrong my place isn’t magazine worthy but it’s tidy.

Comfort

This was a surprising discovery for me.  It was just this week I put this together!

Comfort is HUGE to me.  I seek it out in so many ways.  Clothing for example, my clothing selection is meager, for the most though it is comfortable.  My dream is to get ambushed by Clinton & Stacy from What Not to Wear!  My clothing is VERY BORING!  Again, I try to blend into the background and my wardrobe definitely helps with that, if it’s not white or black or bland it’s not in my closet!  I love shoes but you would never know it, I wear tennis shoes most of the time and when I want to ‘mix it up’ I wear my pair of ballet flats!  WOO HOO! I’m so sassy!  There are days I rush home to shed whatever I have on and climb into my PJ’s with a HUGE sigh of relief.

Furniture for me really needs to be comfortable.  Right now I am struggling in this area.  My bed is semi comfortable and I can make do with it for now.  My couch (or sofa depending on what part of the country you hail from) is a totally different matter.  It and I are not exactly on speaking terms right now, I hope to replace it after the first of the year.  I long for something I can snuggle into and feel ever so cozy.  Something that if you listen really closely says ‘There, there, I’m here for you..’  I know what you’re saying, this chick is nuts, but secretly you know what I mean.  Tell me you haven’t gone to a showroom and sat in a piece of furniture that cradles you just right, it felt so good you didn’t want to get up, go ahead… tell me.  Aaah Hah!!  I knew it!

Food, who doesn’t love comfort food?  Warm soups, cheesy sauces, piles of potato’s & protein, LOTS of protein!  Again, things that wrap me in warmth & comfort.

Music, I love chamber pieces by Bach, Mozart, Vivaldi.  They transport me back in time.  I can picture myself walking through European palace gardens, the warm sunlight on my light powdered face, I can hear the soft crunching of my feet on the gravel paths, a slight breeze rustles the skirt on my silk gown as I smell the roses…..  I also have found through cable a music channel called Soundscapes.  It’s mostly independent artist that perform acoustic, soft, earthy comforting music.  Lots of recorders, gongs and sitars, who doesn’t love a good sitar?

Freedom

Is my last realization (for now) is, having only myself to be accountable to gives me comfort. The freedom of being able to do what I want when I want. I’m the one setting the schedule.  I try to vary my daily activities, I pay attention on how I put my make up on and try to do it a different order, the same with getting dressed or making the bed.  I don’t want to fall into a routine rut, get lost in the routine.  I feel like I've wasted enough of my life not living it I don't want to sleepwalk through anymore of it.

Comfort to me is ease, warmth, peace & satisfaction.

What is it that brings you comfort?  Please tell me, I really want to know.

Keep smiling & remember God loves you and so do I.

L

Worth

Is it wrong to be jealous of a television character?

These past few days I have been struck with a lesson that has taken me a long time to accept.  It is the lesson of worth, or should I say accepting my worthiness.

Bear with me on this length, jumpy, journey, I hope it will be worth it! Growing up I didn’t have much self esteem.  It started with being the butt of the family joke that I was a ‘mistake’ and though people would laugh when saying it, deep down I didn’t think it was so funny.  As I got older I stayed a very shy, soft spoken individual who was often overlooked because I was so good at being invisible!

Going through life I find it extremely difficult to trust my feelings and thoughts with others.  Even while married it was difficult for me to communicate what I was truly feeling or thinking.  On one hand, I was afraid of what I would say would not be taken right or that I might upset someone but another reason was I thought it wasn’t worthy of saying.

My feelings were the last thing I considered through my childhood, marriage and motherhood.   To my surprise I was able to navigate through these years successfully doing this, or at least I thought I was being successful.  Occasionally there were Mount Vesuvius moments where my emotions would erupt but for the most part I crammed down my feelings and denied they were important. 

Lately, a few life instances have pointed out to me this is wrong, and I am finally beginning to understand that.

During my marriage I was not good at accepting my husbands love and affection.  I felt I wasn’t worthy; I was too fat, too tired or too....I would tell myself and then I became resentful.  This realization came to me last night and I feel so terrible.  Going through life we all want to be loved and accepted and when I was given that gift I turned it away.  For that I am truly sorry, I hope that my ex-husband will forgive me.

To clarify my crazy statement at the top of the posting asking ‘Is it wrong to be jealous of a television character?’ bear with me on this one because once again I need to go back in history before this will make sense (hopefully).

When growing up in my family if you were sick you were banished to your room.  It seemed, to a child that you were rarely checked on, so being sick was not a ‘fun’ thing at my house.  As I got older when others became ill I would swoop down with pots of chicken noodle soup, boxes of Kleenex’s and fluffing pillows until they either became better or changed the locks on their doors!  When I became ill I would take care of myself and minimalize my sickness.

So it is no surprise when I first was diagnosed with pre-uterine cancer which ended in a full hysterectomy and then Stage 3 Breast Cancer that I once again thought ‘Hey, this is no big deal, I’ve got this.’

The hysterectomy was a surprise but I thought there is not too much I can do about it so I will do the best I can.  At the time I was all ready divorced, I didn’t have any immediate family other than my daughter to help me.  Though she is an awesome daughter she was 19 yrs old at the time and busy with school and work and once again I didn’t want to impose.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I wasn’t scared or angry, I thought okay how are we going to get rid of this?  Never once did I think the treatments wouldn’t work.  Once again as I was going through it I tried to make as little of a fuss as possible.  But I also realized that this was a lesson I was being taught, a lesson to reach out to others for help.  I did ask people to go with me to treatments and doctors appointments.  I accepted favors, gifts, food and visitors which if you know me is HUGE!

Getting back to my earlier goofy statement, ‘Is it wrong to be jealous of a television character?’  One of my favorite shows is Parenthood; it is funny, serious & real.  One of the characters in this show is going through breast cancer and unlike me; she has this huge family rallying around her and a handsome loving husband holding her hand.  I really love this show but lately when watching it I feel envious.  Then I think, you idiot you could have had the same thing IF you would have let yourself feel worthy of accepting love & care.  I could have said at anytime I was going through my treatment I would really love someone to hold my hand and I could have had several people there in minutes to do it but I rarely did that.

Now that I have taken the totally long way around this posting what I have learned is that just because I started out in life thinking I was a mistake or an imposition that right here, right now I am TOTALLY WORTHY of having people love and care for me.  I don’t need to be the one giving love to others but I can accept it from others and its okay.

Usually I would use an affirmation statement & post it around my apartment to help drive the point home but maybe, just maybe I have gotten this lesson.

Thanks for hanging with me through this posting!

Keep smiling; God loves you and so do I!

L

HELLO and Welcome!

I am VERY new to this blogging thing so forgive me, I may over share occasionally!

A quick outline of who I am:

Born & raised in MN.

Youngest of 3 girls.

German/Lutheran up bringing, can we say supressed emotions and thoughts?

Parents - Dad, hardworker and funny.  He thought we knew we were loved because of how much he worked.

               Mom, loved the idea of kids but didn't really understand them at all.  She died when was 13 yrs old.

Moved to St Paul, MN when my Dad remarried, I was about 15 yrs old.

Married my first long term boyfriend when I was 24 & had my beautiful Sara when I was 27.

Divorced when I was 46.

Began my fight with Breast Cancer when I was 49.  By October of 2011 I was and am currently cancer free!

I love to bake and cook for others.  I dream of having a cafe that is comfy/cozy.  The food would be made from scratch & with lots of love.

I am a Christian and believe that the Lord has been with me my whole life, it just took me until I was in my forties to figure that out!  Well, better late than never right?

I love to write a fact that I forgot about until I started to kick around the idea of blogging.  I started jotting down my thoughts and I can't seem to stop!

My beautiful daughter Sara just had a beautiful baby boy Aiden, he is so handsome!  Sara has been my best friend from the moment she entered this world.  Currently she is living out of state and we don't talk nearly as much as we used to which has caused me to realize I need to start living.  I tend to live my life through others and never for myself.  

Thinking about living my own terrifies me.  I don't want to mess it up!  Crazy right?  Being a Christian I should be trusting the God will lead me but I am afraid of letting Him down.  If you haven't guess I am a control freak.  I have a strong desire to be right and to do things right.  I hate the feeling that I could disappoint my Heavenly Father so I tend to not act when I should.  

I've been sitting on the sidelines of life waiting to be put in the game instead of jumping in.  I have a nice collection of slivers in my bum from sliding along the bench!  Now the Coach is tossing me into the game but he hasn't old me which end zone is mine or even what the play is!

DISCLAIMER:  If you are worried that my blog will be heavy with football references no need to worry, I have used all the terms that I know!

I hope I have made you curious and that you will check back tomorrow.

Keep smiling, God loves you and so do I!

L