Coming to a close

Well this is the last weekend of 2012, are you excited or are you sad to see it go?

Personally I am glad that 2012 is over and I am looking forward to what 2013 has to bring but I am reluctant to let it go.

I am that person that holds on to things for dear life, even if they are dead and gone I am still holding on with everything I have!  I take comfort in what is familiar even if it isn't good for me.  2012 was full of ups and downs, some might say more downs than ups but I think it was even on both counts.

At the beginning of 2012 my hair was coming in, I now have enough to make an ever so tiny ponytail!  HUGE accomplishment!  In 2013 I will need to plan my first cut since 2011, my hair is just to the top of my shoulders and is getting to the point of me not knowing what to do with it!
  
I was also dealing with the thought that I was going to become a Nana, though I was excited I was not excited about the circumstances and drama that came with it during those nine months.  Since the birth of my grandson things have settled down but I feel that something my be looming over the horizon in 2013.  

I started my blog this year which was very exciting and still is!  I am trying to find a happy balance on what I want the blog to be and how it will fit into my life.

This past year as also been an interesting time for me in finding out who I am.  Granted at being fifty years old (almost 51) I should have this figured out by now but I have never taken the time to sift through the ordinary details of life and determine what it is that is and isn't important to me.  On one hand, it is exciting and fun but on the other it can be rather frustrating, I feel like I don't have much time left.  I don't want to be sifting through the incidental things for too long.  I need to kick it in the ass and get moving, TICK TOCK TICK TOCK is all I hear some days!  I understand though that because it has taken me so long to reach this point that I need to be patient and not be in such a rush, if God has this stupendously great plan for me I need to take the necessary steps before I get there, you know, learn how to walk before you run, right?

Time is an unusual thing, some watch and measure it carefully others waste it or take it for granted.  It is not something you can touch or taste but is so valuable.  There are those people that are in hospitals or hospice homes that are looking forward to the next day, they would love to be able to 'purchase' another minute, hour or day.  On the other hand how many times have you heard a friend or a co-worker (or yourself) utter "I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS DAY TO BE OVER!"  Many is the time that we think it is a given that tomorrow will come and with it comes the promise of a better day but for many people they don't get that day, for many today is their last day, some know it others, it comes as a complete surprise.  I'm not saying this to be a downer but to realize that every day, good or bad is a gift.  I'm not perfect, I just as guilty for wishing time away, it will be great when I can finally drive, it will be great when I can go into a bar, it will be great when I walk down the aisle, it will be great when I get a great job, it will be great when I have a baby, it will be great......  The whole time not realizing how great every moment of my life up until that point has been.

I can't remember how the old saying goes something like youth is wasted on the young, which to me means if we could take what we know now and go back and be younger things would turn out differently.  Unfortunately we don't get that chance, we get older and along with it if we are really lucky we get wiser.  We can try to pass along what we learn to those that are younger but I fear that doesn't always work, I think all they hear is the ramblings of a older adult but it won't stop me from trying.

I hope that this weekend you are able to sit and reflect over the past year, thank God for the many blessings and trials that He has lead you through and pray that the coming year will be better.  Reach out to those you haven't had much interaction with over the year, your call, text or email may be just what they need.  We are not here for ourselves but we are here for each other.

Love who you are, where you are, who is around you, what you are going through, LOVE, LOVE LOVE!

Thus endeth the sermon.

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L    
  

A Case of the Snuffles

Today I am battling a simple cold, so far it is a draw!  I'm still feeling woozy so pardon me if this posting takes a strange turn!

I was thinking today that this is the last Thursday of 2012, I do that a lot when the end of the year comes around.  I start realizing how much time we don't have left before the end of the year.

What do you think about when the end of the year rolls around?

I am in no way endorsing Special K but I saw a commercial that has inspired me.  They have women step on a scale but instead of the weight it shows words like self confidence, pride....  Which leads me to my idea for the upcoming 2013, instead of doing the same old weight loss resolution I think I will go with self confidence, pride, active, laughing & enjoying life!

Okay I think the cold meds are kicking in, very sleeeeepppppyyy.

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L

Merry Christmas

I pray that you are all having a very Merry Christmas!

Now that the holiday is here I hope that you are all able to sit back, take a breath and enjoy having your friends and family near to you.

I will be looking over the past year and taking stock of what these last twelve months have been like.

Be sure to have a few Christmas cookies for me!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L

Snowflakes

This morning as I was emptying the dishwasher I had a realization.  When my daughter was a little girl she would constantly question everything.  A request to pick up her room would illicit a long list of questions,"Why do I have to do it now? Can't I do it later? Can you help me? Why do I have to do it all, I 'll just make a mess again" and on and on it would go until I would finally relent.

Looking back over the past few years I have been focused on finding what my purpose is, especially after successfully battling cancer last year I figured that God has this great purpose for me, conceited I know but the way I see it that struggle wasn't for nothing, right?

As I was unloading the dishwasher the thought made me laugh out loud, I now understand where my daughter got her inquisitive (argumentative) nature.  I keep pestering God by asking how He sees me, what am I here for, when will I find out, will He tell me or do I have to figure it out myself, has He all ready told me, am I all ready doing what I'm suppose to, am I close or do I have a lot more work to do or the most dreaded question of all, have I missed it all together!  Phew!  I feel like the kid you see in the mall pestering their parent, dad, Dad, DAd, DAD!  Starting out soft and getting louder and more persistent with each one, feeling that I'm not being heard. I'm not any closer to figuring it out today than I was yesterday or the day before but I understand myself a little better.

I may complain and whine about aspects of my life but in general I am very blessed and happy.  Everyday brings an opportunity to learn or experience something new, either about myself or about others, how exciting is that!

Cherish each day, especially the bad days, those are the days that help you to see the blessings that surround you.  They keep you grounded or they can help to redefine where your focus should be.

I admire snowflakes which is ironic considering I hate winter!  I love snowflakes because they are so delicate, intricate and each one is unique, just like people.  We are all beautiful snowflakes, swirling, twirling about bouncing off one another, some combining to make a beautiful creations and others drifting from place to place but all of us are making the world beautiful, changing the way the world looks.

Celebrate the uniqueness of yourself and of those around you.  Keep swirling and twirling!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I!

L

Introspection

I have spent a great deal of time today looking at other blogs hoping that they would inspire me, I read so many great blogs.  Some that are no longer active and some that are current and they all put me to shame, there are so many talented women out there.  It makes me angry that I never finished my college education, you can definitely tell those that have an education against those that do not. It is a humbling experience to find that you are not what you thought you were.

I want so badly to be that person that sticks out but currently I stick out but not for the reasons I would like.  I suppose I am being way too critical and prideful but that is my nature.  I make excuses and give allowances to others but to myself I am not as forgiving.

As I child I wanted so badly to be an entertainer.  When I was in elementary school, I entered a talent show doing an imitation of Edith Ann, it was a character portrayed by Lily Tomlin on a popular show of that time called Laugh In. Around that time I also did a mean imitation of Johnny Carson for classroom Show N Tell.  As I got a little older, my older sister was a huge Barbara Streisand fan, she had every album.  I soon took up the passion of Babs singing style and spent HOURS in the basement belting out the tunes of Funny Girl, Funny Lady and A Star is Born.  I thought for sure that I was going to be famous, but that never happened.  I let what others said to me squash that dream.  I also wanted to dance, I took lessons when I was small but that didn't last too long, I was too afraid of dancing in front of an audience.  It wasn't until I was in my early teens that the passion for dance was ignited.  Again hours were spent in the basement making up dance routines that no one would see.

I find it so odd that a person who wants to be noticed so badly goes so out of her way to stay in the background.  I love attention but when I get it I try to deflect it or run from it.  I've been on the computer most of the day, looking at all the creativity out there and again a feeling of great humility comes over me.  It is like entering a talent competition thinking you are the next great act until you get a look of the competition.  Is there ever a point where I will feel confident or comfortable with who I am?

When I first started blogging I was so excited, I got especially excited when I could see my viewings increase.  It wasn't too long after that than it stopped being fun.  I started to put pressure on myself about making each entry better, comparing myself to others or just expecting a lot from myself though I haven't ever done this before.

I don't want to be a whiner or complain about my life/blog.  I am so incredibly blessed and so thankful for everything (good and bad) in my life.  I just want to know what I am here for, what is my purpose, talent?  I always sign off each posting with saying "know that God loves you...", I do know that God loves me but I really don't know what He sees in me.  As a parent I always tried to express to my daughter what I thought and felt about her.  As a child I never really received that from my parents unless it was when I was doing something wrong.  God being God doesn't come out and say (at least not to me), I am so proud of you, I think you are so smart, funny, pretty... so I stumble through my days hoping that I am accomplishing something, making Him proud.

This past week was a hectic but rewarding one, I put together some home made gifts and surprised some people anonymously.  I love making others feel that they are not alone, that someone sees them and appreciates them.  A few years ago if I would have won the lottery I would have spent the money on myself and family.  Now if I were to win I would have a hard time spending the money on myself but I would find great joy in spending it on others.  Making anonymous donations, surprising friends with items they really need, helping those in need, that is what would truly make me happy.  I guess I look forward to when I do leave this earthly plane because then I feel I will really be able to help more people, I hope that doesn't sound too prideful.

Again I don't want to be Debbie Downer or Wendy Whiner, I guess that I am feeling a bit lonely.  It is through no fault but my own, I seclude myself for a few good reasons but for the most part a lot of flimsy reasons.  There was a time in my marriage that all I wanted was to be by myself, the struggle regarding money, work and our relationship was just too much for me to handle so I thought if I was by myself it would be so much easier.  It is easier, but it is also A LOT lonelier than I could possibly imagine. Sure,  I can come and go as I please, there are no schedules to keep, I don't have to check in with anyone, I don't have to make dinner if I don't want to, the remote control is ALL MINE, the only voice I hear is my own.  When people say be careful what you wish for they are right, if I thought for one moment I would feel this alone I would have never wished for it, I would have fought harder.  For those people that get to the end of their lives and say that they have no regrets I am very jealous for the list of my regrets are great.

I regret:
not being braver, bolder
not dreaming or making goals
not finishing college
not traveling more before getting married
not speaking my mind
not being good with money
giving up
not fighting for what I wanted and deserved
not being better to myself

Unless I'm called Home overnight I know that I have opportunities to change some of these regrets and I will work at it but it is still difficult to look at this list without feeling a great deal of remorse.

Though it is Christmas time I definitely didn't mean to be so dramatic, that is the problem with being  by yourself, it allows too much time to be introspective!

Hug your loved ones, even the stinky Aunt you don't get along with! Laugh too loud, talk too much and tell everyone you know how much they mean to you.  Toast your blessings and extend good wishes to those that weren't able to join you.

Have yourself a very Merry Christmas and or Happy Hanukkah!  Despite what I have written above I WILL have a quite but Merry Christmas.  This season is way too important to not be celebrated and enjoyed!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I!

L

Christmas Past and Present

Last year at this time I was just getting my hair back.  I thought it would be a great Christmas to celebfrate my victory but it didn't necessarily turn out the way I planned.

This Christmas, I have a full head of hair!   I thought this year would be a great one being a new Nana but unfortunately that is not going to going turn out the way I want but there will be lots of future Christmas's that we can spend together.

I am so thankful that I have this time, that I am able to celebrate the season cancer free.  I know that I am so blessed but I can't help but think about what I don't have and feel like "If only... would make me feel better.

I consider myself a good person, one who doesn't ask for a lot in life so when the few things I want don't go as planned I feel very let down.  I know for a fact from March through October the Lord was with me every step of the way but lately I feel slightly deserted.  I know that He is still there and  just because things are not going to "my plan" that it's just not the right time yet.  Have I told you yet that I am not a very patient person?

Well I hope that all of you are able to enjoy the season.

Keep smiling and know that God loves you are so do I.

L

December 13th National Cocoa Day.

I love Hot Cocoa!  I even love the word Cocoa!  It's fun, and cute.  When I say it, it makes me feel warm and cozy inside.

When I worked in downtown St Paul, there was a tiny coffee place that made the MOST A-MA-ZING Hot Cocoa.  I haven't found a place that can match it.  Of course after all this time I think I have managed to romanticize and inflated the greatness of it that if I were to stumble upon it I might not realize it.


There are those people that need to have their coffee in the morning but I need to have my Hot Cocoa during the work week.  After I have my oatmeal, I make myself a big mug of Hot Chocolate and it manages to stave off my hunger until lunch time.  There have been days where I try to eliminate the cup of cocoa but sure enough the hungries come knocking and I relent and have a cup of cocoa and I am good for the rest of the morning.  For those of you saying "You should drink tea", tried it but it just doesn't do it.  I am hopelessly addicted!  And as with most of my addictions I am very persnickety, it has to be rich and chocolaty or what is the point!  I am ashamed to say that I am now up to 3 packets per cup!  In my defense the mug holds 18 oz, but still it's A LOT of empty calories.  With the new year coming up I am hoping to kick my 3 pack a day habit but I can't think about that now!

Do you know if you look on the Internet for recipes you will find 4.5 million for Hot Cocoa and 1.3 million for Hot Chocolate!  Who knew there that many different recipes!

I have found that making my own hot cocoa from scratch comes pretty close to those 'glory years'.  One of my favorite and easy recipes is on the Hershey's Cocoa box.  My daughter was the one that first tried it, she made it for me as a surprise and I've been using this recipe ever since!

Hot Cocoa

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Skill Level:

Beginner

Prep Time:

25 Minutes

Nutrition Info

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa
•  Dash salt
• 1/3 cup hot water
• 4 cups (1 qt.) milk
• 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
•   Miniature marshmallows or sweetened whipped cream (optional)

Directions

1. 1 Stir together sugar, cocoa and salt in medium saucepan; stir in water. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture comes to a boil. Boil and stir 2 minutes. Add milk; stirring constantly, heat to serving temperature. Do Not Boil.
2. 2 Remove from heat; add vanilla. Beat with rotary beater or whisk until foamy. Serve topped with marshmallows or whipped cream, if desired. Five 8-oz. servings.
   
   VARIATIONS: Add one of the following with the vanilla extract:
   
   SPICED COCOA: 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon and 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg. Serve with cinnamon stick, if desired.
   
   MINT COCOA: 1/2 teaspoon mint extract OR 3 tablespoons crushed hard peppermint candy OR 2 to 3 tablespoons white creme de menthe. Serve with peppermint candy stick, if desired.
   
   CITRUS COCOA: 1/2 teaspoon orange extract OR 2 to 3 tablespoons orange liqueur.
   
   SWISS MOCHA: 2 to 2-1/2 teaspoons powdered instant coffee.
   
   COCOA AU LAIT: Omit marshmallows or whipped cream. Spoon 2 tablespoons softened vanilla ice cream on top of each cup of cocoa at serving time.
   
   SLIM-TRIM COCOA: Omit sugar. Combine cocoa, salt and water; substitute nonfat milk. Proceed as above. With vanilla, stir in sugar substitute with sweetening equivalence of 1/2 cup sugar.
   
   CANADIAN COCOA: 1/2 teaspoon maple extract.
   
   MICROWAVE SINGLE SERVING: Combine 1 heaping teaspoon HERSHEY'S Cocoa, 2 heaping teaspoons sugar and dash salt in microwave-safe cup or mug. Add 2 teaspoons cold milk; stir until smooth. Fill cup with milk. Microwave at HIGH (100%) 1 to 1-1/2 minutes or until hot. Stir to blend; serve.
   
   
   Nutritional Information per serving (1/5 of recipe):
   Calories: 180, Total Fat: 4g, Saturated Fat: 2.5g, Cholesterol: 15 mg, Sodium: 100mg,
   Total Carbohydrate: 32g, Dietary Fiber: 2g, Sugars: 29g, Protein: 7g, Vitamin A: 8%DV*,
   Vitamin C: 0%DV*, Calcium: 25%DV*, Iron: 0%DV*
   *%DV= %Daily Values are calculated based on a 2000 calorie diet

So snuggle up with your Honey or if you don't have a Honey, snuggle up with a warm, chocolatey cup of Hot Cocoa and enjoy!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L

I Said What?

Do you ever discover that when you do things or say things that you feel you really need to it ends up being the completely wrong thing you should do or say?

Monday I felt a need to say something to someone who is the most important person in my life.  No sooner than I hit the send key that I regretted most of what I wrote.  It wasn't that what I said wasn't true or that it was mean or spiteful it's just that I should have kept what I said to myself.
What I said wasn't going to change anything, it was selfish of me to spew out what was in my head.

There are times that I get carried away and feel that I am wise and need to share what is in my head and that those who will hear or read it will the better for it.  Trust me I don't think I'm all that, if anything I think just the opposite about myself but there are moments where self importance comes over me and before I know it I've stepped in a huge steamy pile of poop!

Oh well, that is what makes us all humans right?  If we didn't step in it once in a while we wouldn't learn anything about ourselves or others.

Luckily the person I unloaded on is the most beautiful, smart, funny, loving person I know, my best friend in the whole wide world.  She knows me better than anyone and luckily for me loves despite all my shortcomings.

So, the moral of this is, if you think someone really needs to hear what you have to say on a subject stop and think about it.  Pray on it if your not sure.

Words are forever, once they are said you can never take them back.

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L

WiFi at Home

Hello all!  I apologize for being absent for awhile.  It is surprising how time gets away from you and all of a sudden a week has gone by!

I finally added WiFi to my cable plan!  There will be no more late nights at work or stopping off at Caribou or Panera to update my blog.  The problem now lies in putting a time limit for me being on Pinterest!  I love and hate Pinterest at the same time, I love all the great ideas but I hate how times just flies by when you are pinning.

Over the weekend I hunkered down at home and made some presents and cookies.  I have a few little things to do but for the most part I just need to wrap up my gifts and I am done!

Over this weekend we received our first big snowfall of the winter in Minnesota.  Where I live I believe we received about 10 inches of the nasty but pretty flaky stuff.

I just wanted to check in so that you would know I am still around.  After writing a few drafts for this week I realized how much I have missed writing and missed all of you!  Thanks for sticking with me.

I'll be posting more this week, keep checking  back.

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L

?????

I'm finally pulling out of my deep blue funk I have been in for the past 4-5 days.  It reached the apex this morning and by the afternoon I couldn't maintain it any longer and I started to feel better.

I have been struggling with so much lately, I think if a person off the street were able to tap into the thoughts bouncing around in my head they would go mad!

My brain is CONSTANTLY thinking about what I am feeling, thinking, what others are doing or should be doing.  I think about the past and the present, many times at the same time!  Does everyone else do this or am I NUTS?

Lately I can't seem to feel up about anything.  With this blog I LOVE to write but I if I wrote what I was thinking I am pretty sure I would lose what little followers I have.

 Here is a short synopsis of what I've been feeling lately.  I'm feeling like there is no point in anything, (don't worry, it's not like I'm standing on a ledge or putting my head in the oven!).  I've been angry, frustrated, sad and confused.   I feel like I have been sitting in a very dark, cold & lonely room for a VERY long time.

Just like most of the human race I want to be special, to be noticed for what makes me special.  I know full well that most people don't get that opportunity.  I mean EVERYONE is special, from Angelina Jolie (eeeewwww not a fan!) to the homeless man on the corner, but not everyone gets their time in the sun.  If you are lucky you have one or two people who know you, really know you and acknowledge how special you are, if you have that you are incredibly blessed.

With the blog I was hoping to be able to find out who I am, decide where I am going and hopeful manage to touch someone out there with what I have to say.  It is daunting sitting at the computer watching the cursor blink back at you, taunting you to be clever, witty, profound.  Many times I pause for quite awhile before hitting the publish button, I read and re-read the post several times.  Is it good enough?  Couldn't you be wittier?  Is this really what you want to say?  Then I remind myself that these are 'Your thoughts and doing this is for you', would I love 200+ followers and a 1000+ page views?  Of course, but I have to learn how to walk before I can run.  I'm thrilled that I have 300+ page views!  I never imagined I would get that far.

For those of you that I am boring to tears I am sorry.  I am a bonafide mess and it doesn't look like I will be pulled together anytime soon - if ever.

I love too much, I think too much, I feel too much, I criticize, I try to control everything,  I eat too much and exercise too little but I am who I am.  I am not a person who can plaster a smile on my face and act like nothings wrong when in reality I am crumbling inside.  I would be broke if I tried to play poker because I have the worst poker face ever, I definitely wear how I feel from my head to my toes!

What is the meaning of this post, I haven't a clue!  I guess I wanted to explain or maybe make an excuse for my lack of posting or the lack of meaningful content.
 
OR

Maybe I wanted to take a few of the bricks out of the wall that surrounds me so you can see how messy it is on my side of the wall. When I am out in public I love to people watch, when I sit and watch people they all look so pulled together and it makes me feel that I'm a bigger mess than I thought I was.  In reality though I am sure if I would be able to get to know them better I would find they have issues, maybe bigger ones than mine.  It's easy for me to focus exclusively on myself that I lose sight that I'm not they only one in world, that my problems are tiny in comparison to someone else.

I forget that God loves me just the way I am, faults, flaws & phobias in all!  My latest prayer is that He shows me what He sees in me.  I want so badly to know what it is about me that puts that twinkle in his eye or the grin on his face.  Hopefully some day soon I will understand.



I hope that you stay with me, if anything to see if I can make heads or tails of where I'm going!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L

Belated Posting

I apologize for not posting sooner.  I fear that I am dry on ideas for now.  I will be back tomorrow with something more.

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L