?????

I'm finally pulling out of my deep blue funk I have been in for the past 4-5 days.  It reached the apex this morning and by the afternoon I couldn't maintain it any longer and I started to feel better.

I have been struggling with so much lately, I think if a person off the street were able to tap into the thoughts bouncing around in my head they would go mad!

My brain is CONSTANTLY thinking about what I am feeling, thinking, what others are doing or should be doing.  I think about the past and the present, many times at the same time!  Does everyone else do this or am I NUTS?

Lately I can't seem to feel up about anything.  With this blog I LOVE to write but I if I wrote what I was thinking I am pretty sure I would lose what little followers I have.

 Here is a short synopsis of what I've been feeling lately.  I'm feeling like there is no point in anything, (don't worry, it's not like I'm standing on a ledge or putting my head in the oven!).  I've been angry, frustrated, sad and confused.   I feel like I have been sitting in a very dark, cold & lonely room for a VERY long time.

Just like most of the human race I want to be special, to be noticed for what makes me special.  I know full well that most people don't get that opportunity.  I mean EVERYONE is special, from Angelina Jolie (eeeewwww not a fan!) to the homeless man on the corner, but not everyone gets their time in the sun.  If you are lucky you have one or two people who know you, really know you and acknowledge how special you are, if you have that you are incredibly blessed.

With the blog I was hoping to be able to find out who I am, decide where I am going and hopeful manage to touch someone out there with what I have to say.  It is daunting sitting at the computer watching the cursor blink back at you, taunting you to be clever, witty, profound.  Many times I pause for quite awhile before hitting the publish button, I read and re-read the post several times.  Is it good enough?  Couldn't you be wittier?  Is this really what you want to say?  Then I remind myself that these are 'Your thoughts and doing this is for you', would I love 200+ followers and a 1000+ page views?  Of course, but I have to learn how to walk before I can run.  I'm thrilled that I have 300+ page views!  I never imagined I would get that far.

For those of you that I am boring to tears I am sorry.  I am a bonafide mess and it doesn't look like I will be pulled together anytime soon - if ever.

I love too much, I think too much, I feel too much, I criticize, I try to control everything,  I eat too much and exercise too little but I am who I am.  I am not a person who can plaster a smile on my face and act like nothings wrong when in reality I am crumbling inside.  I would be broke if I tried to play poker because I have the worst poker face ever, I definitely wear how I feel from my head to my toes!

What is the meaning of this post, I haven't a clue!  I guess I wanted to explain or maybe make an excuse for my lack of posting or the lack of meaningful content.
 
OR

Maybe I wanted to take a few of the bricks out of the wall that surrounds me so you can see how messy it is on my side of the wall. When I am out in public I love to people watch, when I sit and watch people they all look so pulled together and it makes me feel that I'm a bigger mess than I thought I was.  In reality though I am sure if I would be able to get to know them better I would find they have issues, maybe bigger ones than mine.  It's easy for me to focus exclusively on myself that I lose sight that I'm not they only one in world, that my problems are tiny in comparison to someone else.

I forget that God loves me just the way I am, faults, flaws & phobias in all!  My latest prayer is that He shows me what He sees in me.  I want so badly to know what it is about me that puts that twinkle in his eye or the grin on his face.  Hopefully some day soon I will understand.



I hope that you stay with me, if anything to see if I can make heads or tails of where I'm going!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I.

L