Worth

Is it wrong to be jealous of a television character?

These past few days I have been struck with a lesson that has taken me a long time to accept.  It is the lesson of worth, or should I say accepting my worthiness.

Bear with me on this length, jumpy, journey, I hope it will be worth it! Growing up I didn’t have much self esteem.  It started with being the butt of the family joke that I was a ‘mistake’ and though people would laugh when saying it, deep down I didn’t think it was so funny.  As I got older I stayed a very shy, soft spoken individual who was often overlooked because I was so good at being invisible!

Going through life I find it extremely difficult to trust my feelings and thoughts with others.  Even while married it was difficult for me to communicate what I was truly feeling or thinking.  On one hand, I was afraid of what I would say would not be taken right or that I might upset someone but another reason was I thought it wasn’t worthy of saying.

My feelings were the last thing I considered through my childhood, marriage and motherhood.   To my surprise I was able to navigate through these years successfully doing this, or at least I thought I was being successful.  Occasionally there were Mount Vesuvius moments where my emotions would erupt but for the most part I crammed down my feelings and denied they were important. 

Lately, a few life instances have pointed out to me this is wrong, and I am finally beginning to understand that.

During my marriage I was not good at accepting my husbands love and affection.  I felt I wasn’t worthy; I was too fat, too tired or too....I would tell myself and then I became resentful.  This realization came to me last night and I feel so terrible.  Going through life we all want to be loved and accepted and when I was given that gift I turned it away.  For that I am truly sorry, I hope that my ex-husband will forgive me.

To clarify my crazy statement at the top of the posting asking ‘Is it wrong to be jealous of a television character?’ bear with me on this one because once again I need to go back in history before this will make sense (hopefully).

When growing up in my family if you were sick you were banished to your room.  It seemed, to a child that you were rarely checked on, so being sick was not a ‘fun’ thing at my house.  As I got older when others became ill I would swoop down with pots of chicken noodle soup, boxes of Kleenex’s and fluffing pillows until they either became better or changed the locks on their doors!  When I became ill I would take care of myself and minimalize my sickness.

So it is no surprise when I first was diagnosed with pre-uterine cancer which ended in a full hysterectomy and then Stage 3 Breast Cancer that I once again thought ‘Hey, this is no big deal, I’ve got this.’

The hysterectomy was a surprise but I thought there is not too much I can do about it so I will do the best I can.  At the time I was all ready divorced, I didn’t have any immediate family other than my daughter to help me.  Though she is an awesome daughter she was 19 yrs old at the time and busy with school and work and once again I didn’t want to impose.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I wasn’t scared or angry, I thought okay how are we going to get rid of this?  Never once did I think the treatments wouldn’t work.  Once again as I was going through it I tried to make as little of a fuss as possible.  But I also realized that this was a lesson I was being taught, a lesson to reach out to others for help.  I did ask people to go with me to treatments and doctors appointments.  I accepted favors, gifts, food and visitors which if you know me is HUGE!

Getting back to my earlier goofy statement, ‘Is it wrong to be jealous of a television character?’  One of my favorite shows is Parenthood; it is funny, serious & real.  One of the characters in this show is going through breast cancer and unlike me; she has this huge family rallying around her and a handsome loving husband holding her hand.  I really love this show but lately when watching it I feel envious.  Then I think, you idiot you could have had the same thing IF you would have let yourself feel worthy of accepting love & care.  I could have said at anytime I was going through my treatment I would really love someone to hold my hand and I could have had several people there in minutes to do it but I rarely did that.

Now that I have taken the totally long way around this posting what I have learned is that just because I started out in life thinking I was a mistake or an imposition that right here, right now I am TOTALLY WORTHY of having people love and care for me.  I don’t need to be the one giving love to others but I can accept it from others and its okay.

Usually I would use an affirmation statement & post it around my apartment to help drive the point home but maybe, just maybe I have gotten this lesson.

Thanks for hanging with me through this posting!

Keep smiling; God loves you and so do I!

L