Introspection

I have spent a great deal of time today looking at other blogs hoping that they would inspire me, I read so many great blogs.  Some that are no longer active and some that are current and they all put me to shame, there are so many talented women out there.  It makes me angry that I never finished my college education, you can definitely tell those that have an education against those that do not. It is a humbling experience to find that you are not what you thought you were.

I want so badly to be that person that sticks out but currently I stick out but not for the reasons I would like.  I suppose I am being way too critical and prideful but that is my nature.  I make excuses and give allowances to others but to myself I am not as forgiving.

As I child I wanted so badly to be an entertainer.  When I was in elementary school, I entered a talent show doing an imitation of Edith Ann, it was a character portrayed by Lily Tomlin on a popular show of that time called Laugh In. Around that time I also did a mean imitation of Johnny Carson for classroom Show N Tell.  As I got a little older, my older sister was a huge Barbara Streisand fan, she had every album.  I soon took up the passion of Babs singing style and spent HOURS in the basement belting out the tunes of Funny Girl, Funny Lady and A Star is Born.  I thought for sure that I was going to be famous, but that never happened.  I let what others said to me squash that dream.  I also wanted to dance, I took lessons when I was small but that didn't last too long, I was too afraid of dancing in front of an audience.  It wasn't until I was in my early teens that the passion for dance was ignited.  Again hours were spent in the basement making up dance routines that no one would see.

I find it so odd that a person who wants to be noticed so badly goes so out of her way to stay in the background.  I love attention but when I get it I try to deflect it or run from it.  I've been on the computer most of the day, looking at all the creativity out there and again a feeling of great humility comes over me.  It is like entering a talent competition thinking you are the next great act until you get a look of the competition.  Is there ever a point where I will feel confident or comfortable with who I am?

When I first started blogging I was so excited, I got especially excited when I could see my viewings increase.  It wasn't too long after that than it stopped being fun.  I started to put pressure on myself about making each entry better, comparing myself to others or just expecting a lot from myself though I haven't ever done this before.

I don't want to be a whiner or complain about my life/blog.  I am so incredibly blessed and so thankful for everything (good and bad) in my life.  I just want to know what I am here for, what is my purpose, talent?  I always sign off each posting with saying "know that God loves you...", I do know that God loves me but I really don't know what He sees in me.  As a parent I always tried to express to my daughter what I thought and felt about her.  As a child I never really received that from my parents unless it was when I was doing something wrong.  God being God doesn't come out and say (at least not to me), I am so proud of you, I think you are so smart, funny, pretty... so I stumble through my days hoping that I am accomplishing something, making Him proud.

This past week was a hectic but rewarding one, I put together some home made gifts and surprised some people anonymously.  I love making others feel that they are not alone, that someone sees them and appreciates them.  A few years ago if I would have won the lottery I would have spent the money on myself and family.  Now if I were to win I would have a hard time spending the money on myself but I would find great joy in spending it on others.  Making anonymous donations, surprising friends with items they really need, helping those in need, that is what would truly make me happy.  I guess I look forward to when I do leave this earthly plane because then I feel I will really be able to help more people, I hope that doesn't sound too prideful.

Again I don't want to be Debbie Downer or Wendy Whiner, I guess that I am feeling a bit lonely.  It is through no fault but my own, I seclude myself for a few good reasons but for the most part a lot of flimsy reasons.  There was a time in my marriage that all I wanted was to be by myself, the struggle regarding money, work and our relationship was just too much for me to handle so I thought if I was by myself it would be so much easier.  It is easier, but it is also A LOT lonelier than I could possibly imagine. Sure,  I can come and go as I please, there are no schedules to keep, I don't have to check in with anyone, I don't have to make dinner if I don't want to, the remote control is ALL MINE, the only voice I hear is my own.  When people say be careful what you wish for they are right, if I thought for one moment I would feel this alone I would have never wished for it, I would have fought harder.  For those people that get to the end of their lives and say that they have no regrets I am very jealous for the list of my regrets are great.

I regret:
not being braver, bolder
not dreaming or making goals
not finishing college
not traveling more before getting married
not speaking my mind
not being good with money
giving up
not fighting for what I wanted and deserved
not being better to myself

Unless I'm called Home overnight I know that I have opportunities to change some of these regrets and I will work at it but it is still difficult to look at this list without feeling a great deal of remorse.

Though it is Christmas time I definitely didn't mean to be so dramatic, that is the problem with being  by yourself, it allows too much time to be introspective!

Hug your loved ones, even the stinky Aunt you don't get along with! Laugh too loud, talk too much and tell everyone you know how much they mean to you.  Toast your blessings and extend good wishes to those that weren't able to join you.

Have yourself a very Merry Christmas and or Happy Hanukkah!  Despite what I have written above I WILL have a quite but Merry Christmas.  This season is way too important to not be celebrated and enjoyed!

Keep smiling and know that God loves you and so do I!

L